Hogan Knows Best

We're all friends here, right? We like each other, and mostly trust each other, and nobody intends anybody else any harm, right? OK. Good. I'm glad we got that settled.

Because I'm embarrassed by what I'm about to say, but there's nothing much I can do about it. The truth will sometimes hurt, but it will always set us free. Deep breath, Chris...

I totally dig "Hogan Knows Best".

It's true.

I cannot be positive that every episode of the show is as brilliant as the best episodes -- I've only seen three or four episodes total -- but I'll fight anybody who argues that 30 minutes of quality "Hogan Knows Best" isn't the best, most awesomely fantastic television ever. It totally is. HKB for life. Big time.

Because I'm lazy and because I only work mornings and because I'd finished my chores for the day, I was watching TV just now, and when I noticed that HKB was on, I immediately flipped over. I had been watching ESPN, but I wasn't feeling Sportscenter. Linda Cohn, for all of her positive qualities, is neither balding, nor seriously mustachioed. Linda Cohn, I mean to say, is no Hulk Hogan. Linda Cohn, for instance, sometimes does wear one pair of sunglasses, but Linda Cohn almost never wears one pair of sunglasses on her eyes, and two other pair of sunglasses over her do-rag. Hulk Hogan is a man-beast. Suffice it to say, when I say I "immediately" flipped from ESPN to HKB, I mean immediately.

It took maybe 30 seconds for me to realize that today's episode was one that I had already seen. However, I wasn't even remotely disappointed. My dominant emotion was joy. Today's episode, Episode 201, "Brooke Breaks Away", is the episode that first made me respect HKB for what it is: probably the best television I've watched since P.Diddy's 2005 masterpiece, Making The Band 3. But enough about MTB3. Diddy doesn't count among his friends a fat, blonde, mohawk-cum-mullet sporting dude (Seriously, I couldn't find an image, but it's amazing). This is Hulk Hogan's post.

Episode 201 is summarized on tv.yahoo.com with a throw away line that masks the episode's brilliance. What does "Brooke pleads with her parents to be allowed to take a trip" tell anybody? Nothing. It is hard to tell from that, for instance, that the trip is only a few miles from home. Wikipedia does slightly better when it includes: "Hulk's overprotective gene acts up immediately and he begins spying on her every move." VH1's official site doesn't have an episode bio, but I'm sure theirs would be the best of the three. I think I can do better than all that. For you, friends, I've decided to try:

"Nobody is crazier than Hulk. Watch him use a pizza man, an air conditioning guy, another dude wearing a 'Trailer Park Justice' wife beater, a speed boat, at least two different cars, his wife and perhaps thousands of dollars of surveillance equipment in order to monitor his daughter, who is spending the night, don't forget, only a few miles from the family home. Watch Hulk's unparallelled intensity alienate everybody in his life, while somehow endearing him to the audience, and finally watch how his daughter explains away the birth control pills the air conditioning guy found. Hulk has an awesome beard-thing. Love it."

Anyway. Less embarrassing things soon. ...I hope.